


How to Save a Life

by Aweebwrites



Category: Lego Ninjago
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Cutting, Depressing, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, Mild Blood, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 19:21:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20031034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aweebwrites/pseuds/Aweebwrites
Summary: Kai says some things he shouldn't have and pays the price he should.





	How to Save a Life

Kai didn't know what came over him. Everything was just spiraling, getting worse and worse. It started off with walking to school in the rain since it caught him in the middle of his walk where shelter was nowhere to be found, then he was too soaked to even attend classes for half the day- which _of course_ ended up with him missing an important test the asshole of a teacher who called himself Dr.Clouse refused to let him resit. Then, he took out his lunch to find it soggy from the rain and found his seat with his friends taken by some girl Lloyd likes. Harumi if he remembered right. Why would he even go for that popular bitch anyway? She would obviously play with him like she does everyone then leave him in ruins. And of course there was no more seats in the cafeteria. So what does he do? Head out to air dry- only to have rain pour fucking again, making him unable to attend his other classes then gets a week's detention since Chen made it seem like he stood in the rain on purpose when someone locked the cafeteria doors leading to the outside, leaving him stranded under a sparse tree and contemplate what the duck he did to deserve all of this shit happening to him.

By the end of the day, he had never been so bitter. Nya would stick up for him but they didn't share a class for today and she was coming down with a cold anyway. Skylor picked her up earlier for that reason. Everything was just going absolutely horrible and Kai was fucking sick of it all. But the worst was yet to come he'd soon find out. The worst thing wasn't rain or anything coincidental. No. It was something he did by himself. Something that would eat him hollow.

"Hey Kai! There you are! We've missed you all day today!" Jay says cheerfully as he and the others met him at the front of the school.

"Oh really? I wouldn't have thought." Kai says bitterly as he glared ahead, setting off alarm bells for his friends.

"Hey, are you alright?" Cole asked him with a small frown.

"Oh, I don't know. Am I?" Kai hissed, shooting them a glare over his shoulder.

"Perhaps talking about it will help." Zane offered as Cole looked a little hurt.

"Talking about anything is the last fucking thing I wanna do right now. No thanks." Kai spat then moved to walk off when Jay held onto his shoulder.

"Hey come on, we're your friends. Talk to us." He says with his stupid happy smile and Kai found himself grinding his teeth.

"You want me to talk about it? Fine." He says darkly, shrugging off his hand off his shoulder. "My entire day has been absolute shit. Getting soaked in the rain, missing a test because I can't go inside wet, finding my seat taken by some popular bimbo, getting wet a second time because I had to go outside to sit, missing the second half of school because I'm wet  _ again _ , only to have you all  _ just _ noticing that I've been missing all day!" Kai snapped at them and they all flinched.

"Kai…" Nya started as Lloyd looked offended and hurt but Kai was just fucking done.

He didn't care enough right now to stop. 

"Hey! On the plus side, you got to miss out on classes! I'm a little envious." Jay says with a light chuckle and Kai all but lost it at that.

"Does it look like I'm fucking happy that I missed classes?! I missed out on that really important chemistry test and I have detention for a week for no reason I could control! Are you just fucking stupid on purpose or are you just that much of a child that you can't understand something as important as actually passing with more than a C?!" Kai snapped at him and Jay flinched back violently as he stared wide eyed and hurt at Kai who couldn't shut up for the life of him. "You more than anyone else here would be better off actually using your pint sized brain to use and actually study! Not zone out, play video games and idle your whole life away! You're not a fucking kid anymore Jay! Maybe it's time you grew up, hmm?" He glared Jay down as the freckled boy looked up at him with wide eyes and a wobbling lip.

It was only when actual tears began falling down the brunette's cheeks did he realise what he's said. He looked up at the others, noticing them looking at him in horror. Kai released a shaky breath, eyes wide as he stepped back. He opened his mouth to say something before he shook his head and took off running, heading for home. None of them called for him. He didn't expect them to. Not after what he's just done. Not after all he's said…

________

Kai dropped his bag on the ground as he locked his room door, turning up the lowly playing music as he walked towards his bed, flopping down on his bed then stared blankly ahead. He… He…

He gritted his teeth as he gripped the sheets tightly.

What the fuck was that? Why did he say all of that? Why did he hurt Jay, his friend like that? Why did he hurt all of his friends like that? Yeah his day has been shitty but they didn't do anything to deserve that. It wasn't their fault that they didn't know. He buried his face into his pillow as tears stung at his eyes, the thumping music from his stereo doing nothing to block out his spiraling thoughts.

His anger issues aren't to blame here. It doesn't serve as an excuse. Not that he'd ever use it. Not that he even cared about that right now. Jay… How would he ever make things up to the brunette? Could hw ever fix it? Would they ever go back to being the same? Moreover…

_ Would Jay ever forgive him? _

He doubts it. He knows he won't. Refused to believe he really would. He didn't deserve forgiveness. Not for the shit he's said. Not for how he treated him. He hides his sobs into his pillow, his tears soaking them as he shook with the force of each sob. None of them would ever forgive him. Not truly, not fully. How would he even make it up to them anyways? What would he do? What would he say?

He sniffles, pulling his face out of the pillow so he could breathe properly.

Who was he kidding. This was it, wasn't it? He always knew he would mess things up eventually amongst his friends. The friends he loved like family, the friends he treasured more than anything, the friends that had his back and he had hoped to believe loved him back… He didn't have that anymore, didn't he? He blew it. With one terrible act he lost it all. The thought made him shake even more with barely suppressed sobs, his tears soaking his pillow. For all he's said to hurt? It's what he deserves. It hurts, his heart hurt, his head is screaming at him for all that he's said because he knew better. He knew he was irrational when upset. Knew he should have walked off and taken a breather. But no, he hadn't when he knew he should. And that decision cost him everything. Not even Nya, his beloved sister would want anything to do with him after this. He always does this. Always drove everyone away from them. Maybe… 

_ Maybe he was better off alone… _

Maybe this was for the best. He would mess up eventually. That much was certain. Maybe, for the sake of his friends… Can he even call them that anymore? For their sake… He had to let go. He didn't want to hurt anyone else. He was too unstable, too uncontrollable. He wouldn't know what to do with himself if he hurt them anymore than he already did. It'll be fine. They won't miss him. He's always been a thorn in their sides anyways…

____________

"Kai? Kai!" Nya called from the other side of Kai's door as she knocked, angry on behalf of Jay but wanting to be a beacon of light amongst this whole mess. 

Nothing but music came down the other side of the door and she sighed, deciding to talk anyway.

"Look, I don't know if you can hear me or not but I'll talk anyway." She began. "We're all sorry you've been having a crappy day. Clouse and Chen have always been assholes. It really sucks. But you can't just snap at us just because things are like that. I know you've been struggling with anger issues but it isn't an excuse, you know? I mean, don't get me wrong, it's perfectly normal to feel crappy after the day you've had but it's not ok to just turn on people. Jay's your friend. We all are. You know what you're supposed to do when you're feeling overwhelmed or overly upset. Take a walk, count. The options are endless." She says then paused to see if she could hear or spot any signs of him listening but nothing changed. 

She sighed, expecting that.

"Look. I'm here if you need to talk, alright? But you need to apologise, especially to Jay. " She says softly, waiting another moment before walking away, back to her room. 

She couldn't force him to do anything or to talk to her but she'd try. 

On the other side of the door, Kai sat against the door, eyes blank as he kept his head leaned back against the door so he could hear her more clearly. He turned away once he heard her leave then looked into the darkness of his room in silence.

Apologise? Talk?

This was beyond that. He'd plead his sorries over and over and over again, on bended knees with hands clasped gladly… But what would that do? Why apologise for something that would most likely happen again? Sure he'd do his best to not make it ever happen again but he's long learned that his best was never, ever enough. He had no control over his own mind and mouth after all. His way of apologising will be by staying away. They were great friends, amazing in everyday and he… He squeezed his eyes shut, allowing warmth to roll down his cheeks and arm.

He didn't want anyone to have to deal with him ever again.

The tears dripped off his chin and fell into a small puddle of red. He looked down at his wrist with the same blank, flat brown eyes, watching the wound leak, fresh over hundreds of old scars. Over a year of progress, gone. Yet another stupid, impulsive thing he did. But it's what he deserved for all the pain he's caused. He deserved much worse than this. He squeezed his eyes against the hurt on his fr- on their faces once it came. His head thumped back against the door as a watery smile tugged his lips. 

_ God he hated himself. _

____________

Kai had wanted to skip out on school the next day but he knew he couldn't afford to miss and get himself into more trouble. He had responsibilities. He wouldn't run away from them, no matter how badly he wanted to. School was the one place he could find them all in one place after all. He promised himself he'd keep his distance however. He was too untamed to keep anyone close. He knew that before he had them as friends but ignored it. Look where that got him. He sighed as he walked up to the building, taking a breath before entering.

To make sure he and Nya wouldn't leave at the same time, he left way earlier than he used to. It's not like he had much sleep to begin with. He looked around, paranoid, knowing well enough that Zane was an early bird. He moved quickly through the halls then up the stairs, aiming for the roof; a place that they were forbidden to go and the only place Zane was least likely to visit. He closed the good behind him then sighed softly in relief, sitting behind the door as he ran his fingers through his messier hair. So this was his life now. He had no place to complain. Not that he was. It's just… It's gonna be hard to see them, know that they're there and be unable to reach out, solely because he was an impulsive idiot who always ruins anything good he has.

He took a moment to curse himself for feeling sorry for himself. He shouldn't feel anything for himself. He wasn't the victim. He was the criminal and he deserved everything that's coming to him. Jay was the one suffering from the backlash of his words. Lloyd too. All of them. He had no right to judge Lloyd's choices nor did he have any right to-

The roof door opens widely and Zane peered a head out, looking around with almost glowing blue eyes. The platinum blond frowned then closed the door, hearing down the stairs again. He was hoping Kai would be up there… 

Kai on the other hand forced himself to breathe shallowly from his place laying on his back on the roof of the stair access, his lungs burning from the exertion of climbing onto the rather high roof as quickly as he did. Once he was sure Zane was out of earshot, he panted heavily, catching his breath as his harms stung. He shucked up his black hoodie from his arms to reveal red, irritated marks along his arms, a few of which had reopened and we're bleeding out again. Fuck. It was a good thing he wore a black hoodie just for this reason…

________

Kai had always joked he should be a ninja but he's proven he had what it oil all day today. It was surprising how easy it was to keep out of sight and out of mind from all 5 of them. But what did that matter anyway? None of them came looking for him. Only Zane in the morning up on the roof. He thinks that's good. He may have made a bad impact but at least it was easy for them to move forward, to forget about him. He'd happily fade into the background as they move forward and further into better things without his toxicity. It's what they deserved. It's what he should have given them a long time ago. 

He felt his head low as he sat in detention by himself. He sometimes wondered if Jay could tell just how sorry he was, his much he wished he could take everything he said back. But how could he? He gave a dry chuckle as he closed his eyes. He probably hates him. They all probably do. It's fine if they do. 

_ He deserves it. _

__________

He can't seem to think of anything else. It's almost been a week since and things have been rough. The only ones who tried to reach out to him were Nya and Zane. He wished they'd stop and leave him to suffer from the consequences of his actions. He gave an irritated growl from where he was locked in his bathroom, the thin door doing nothing to block out the music he let blaring there. Here he was making things all about him again. He hated how he just does it subconsciously. He hated himself. So fucking much.

It was why he was laying back in his tub. This week gave him some time to think. He turned the thin blade over between his fingers overhead as he let his mind drift to dark places. He knew it was unhealthy to think this way but being self-aware never could stop him. It just made watching himself doing toxic things even harder to watch. Right now, he felt empty, questioning his purpose here. He really was more of a nuisance than anything else. He could hardly hold decent enough grades to make it through high school no matter how hard he studied or what he did. But he couldn't just quit. As much as he wanted to. He was thinking about quitting something however.

Really. What's there to stop him from ending it all?

It would make things, life better for anyone else unfortunate enough to cross his path. He looked at his red irritated wrists that had scabbing at various stages. He then brought it down, taking the blade into his right hand.

Why not just end it all? Make everyone's life easier.

What's the point anymore? Even the thought of school was agony when he couldn't see his- He steadied the blade against his wrist. One precise swipe and that's all it'll take. He stared, allowing his mind to roam free, giving his mind a chance to think of a good reason not to just put everyone out of their misery. He released a breath.

_ Well then. _

He flicked his wrist, the blade biting deep into his flesh, blood pooling up immediately. He dropped the blade in the tub and closed his tired eyes. He was so tired. Sleep had been a hard thing coming and when he did sleep, all he could see was himself hurting his fr- hurting them. He let his body go limp as red began to slowly pool under his hand. 

But despite it all… 

He couldn't do it. Not with Nya needing him. He couldn't leave her alone. When their parents vanished, it crushed her. He didn't want to do that to her a second time. The wound was too shallow to be critical.

No, not today.

But maybe another day. 

One last thought passed through his mind as he drifted off to sleep. 

** _I'm sorry… _ **


End file.
